Wednesday, February 16, 2011

How to Approach Commitment-Phobia

As I discussed in my last few blogs, Valentine’s day can have a lot of pressure placed on it. But it also gives your guy the perfect chance to step up and show you how much he means to you. I don’t mean by buying you an expensive Tiffany’s necklace (though we all do love that little blue box!) Your mom may have told you “it’s the thought that counts” when you were younger, and she was right!

If you’ve put thought into your gift and date then that’s all that matters! But if the motivations behind it seem suspect (as in, don’t buy her a bathroom scale), you’ll get sent to the doghouse!
Check out this hilarious video for what not to do. It’s about Christmas, but its relevant year round:

And of course valentine’s day can sometimes trigger a rise in commitment-phobia. Heading to a romantic dinner where you’re surrounded by lovey-dovey married couples, sharing their meals surrounded by gaudy amounts of pink and red can send both men and women into a tailspin. It can be overwhelming! Cue commitment breakdown. Commitment-phobia is always a tricky issue to deal with. Ultimatums are never a healthy solution for a relationship. But neither is staying in one when you have a different understanding of your relationship than your partner. Whether you’re committing to dating or marriage always approach these things in an honest, open, and cautious way. There’s a fine balance between too much and too little pressure. So how do you find that balance? I always like to turn to my girl bible, Cosmo magazine when I need a little help.

They have a great article about having “the talk” with your man. Check it out here!

To summarize, they state that "A big mistake women make is not knowing what their expectations are." So before you talk to them, think about what you really want. Have a nice relaxing bath and do some self reflection.

  • Don’t talk to them before or after sex (and certainly not during!). This is bad timing, and they won’t be as receptive to what you’re saying.
  • Don’t talk about it in front of friends or family. That’s just cruel to both of you.
  • The best time to bring it up is when you feel like you’re both connecting. Cosmo states, “for example, when you're coming back from a movie that you both agree was the best you've seen in years. "He'll be more receptive to discussing the relationship if he's feeling close to you," says Jane Greer, author of How Could You Do This to Me?”
  • Don’t lead with “we have to talk”. You’ll just intimidate him and he’ll immediately get offensive. He’s seen the movies, he knows how this conversation is going to go.

Honesty is #1 in relationships. If you hope to have a future with him you have to embrace the truth!
Have you ever encountered commitment-phobia? How did you approach it?

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